Addie

Transcript:

Joel

This is “St. Jude Storied Lives,” I’m Joel Alsup.

The conversations in this podcast let you meet people who were patients at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital when they were younger. It’s a chance to hear their stories and to get to know them. And when I talk with these folks, I think about identity a lot – because it’s something I had to think through for myself, after I was a patient at St. Jude.

Cancer is a thing that happened to us, but it’s not who we are, even if the outside world sees us that way. Today I want you to meet Addie, because her search for identity has taken her to some exciting places.

Addie 

Being in high school and being in such a small town, everyone kind of knew me as, you know, the girl that had been at St. Jude and the girl that had survived. And you know, that was such a huge part of me. And then when I got to college, it was like the music became a huge part of me. And now I feel like I'm at a place where I've healed a lot and I'm able to merge the two.

Joel

Merging those two sides of herself has really helped Addie step into the spotlight, singing in front of tens of thousands of people and performing with some of her musical heroes. And you’ll hear more about that in just a few minutes.

But like she said, Addie started off in a small town, in North Mississippi, right on the Tennessee state line. And it’s a place where everybody knows everybody. She says she spent a lot of time riding bikes around the neighborhood with her friends, singing in church and spending time with her family.

Addie

My mom and my dad are my best friends. We have a very close relationship, especially after, you know, our experience at St. Jude. But my mom and I are nothing alike. She's very type-A planner, get things done efficiently, time management. I'm a free spirit, write music all the time, creative minded, total opposite of her.

Joel

And you mentioned it just a second ago too, a little bit of music. So has music always been a big part of your life, even from the time you were little?

Addie

Oh, for sure. The very first song I ever learned was “I Love This Bar” by Toby Keith. So, I think I found a love for country music pretty young. I learned that one, and “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.”

Joel

So, was this something that just you picked up on your own, or was this a bigger part of your family's life?

Addie

My family loves music. Neither of my parents sing or play any instruments, but I would say on both sides of the family, grandparents and aunts and uncles, everyone's very musically inclined. So, I definitely grew up, you know, hearing them in churches and wherever they sang. And every day on the way to school, we would listen to the radio. So, I guess that's where it really began.

Joel

And I heard too, like, maybe the first time you performed in public, I think your mom has talked about this, that you were 3 and there was a specific song you sang. Can you  take us to that moment? What was going on? What were you singing?

Addie

Apparently, I was 3 years old. I don't remember this, but this is one of my mom's favorite stories to tell. We were at a local barbecue joint, and I kept nagging at my parents, so I was like, I want to sing. I want to get on stage with the band and sing. My parents thought it was cute and funny, you know, their little red-headed fire, pistol girl wanted to get up on stage and they were like, okay, well go ask them.

And so I did. I was like, I guess I walked up there and said, Let me sing “You Are My Sunshine.” And I got up and sang it with the band at 3 years old.

Joel

Nice.

Addie

Never looked back, and loved the stage ever since.

Joel

I couldn't imagine someone saying no to a 3 -year-old walking up and asking if they can sing with the band. So, I'm glad you're able to do that. So, you know, you had that normal childhood. Then as you got toward high school, you know, this is when St. Jude became part of your life. What were some signs or was there any way that you felt sort of off before you came to St. Jude, you thought maybe something's not quite right here?

Addie

Oh, sure. There were probably two or three weeks before my diagnosis that I just had a sore throat, and I was exhausted. And I thought, you know, it's pretty normal that I was so fatigued and tired because I was going a million miles an hour in high school. I was a freshman and I was in the spring musical.

I was playing tennis. I wanted to be friends with anybody and everybody. So I, you know, did everything I could. I totally had FOMO, you know, fear of missing out. And I always have. So, it was really weird to have to put my entire life on pause when I was so busy. Probably the busiest I've ever been until now.

Joel

So, walk us through that. You finally, I guess, go to the doctor because of the fatigue that you're having. What happens next? What do the doctors tell you and your family?

Addie

Yeah. So, I was in and out for a couple of weeks and one Saturday I just couldn't even get my head up off of the pillow. I was like, I'm not going back to the doctor. I'm tired of going in and out. And her mom instincts were kicking in. And she said, we're going back one more time and ended up in LeBonheur here in Memphis that night to do some more testing and to rule out the scary stuff, quote.

And they ended up sending me by ambulance right down the road to St. Jude that same night. So overnight I started chemotherapy and was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, and my whole life changed.

Joel

So, you know, before any of this happens, I know you said you're not far from Memphis, but had you heard about St. Jude before, did you have any idea of what might be going on there?

Addie

No, I had never heard of St. Jude. And my parents have heard – they had heard of St. Jude before because of the commercials, and I think their associations with it from remembering, you know, at the time none of us really knew what was going on. And I think they were really scared by what they had already associated with St. Jude.

And so we, we didn't have high hopes coming in and we definitely didn't expect for St. Jude to not charge a bill. Everything about our experience was complete overnight shock.

Joel

I'm sure. And you know, I was only seven when I was diagnosed, so I don't think I processed the whole thing. I didn't realize kind of the gravity of the situation. How about you? What did you think? What went through your mind when you understood that you had cancer, and this was a place you had to be, to be treated for something that's very rare?

Addie

Oh, gosh, I was so mad. I was pissed. Can I say pissed? I was so mad. I think I was angry for a couple of weeks, especially starting treatment until I finally had a moment maybe where I kind of let it sink in and maybe had a cry for a minute. But then I just felt at peace. I was like, No, I'm in the best place I can be with the best possible team, best possible care I could get. And the only way that I'm going to get through this is to decide right here, right now.

Joel

That’s completely understandable because, you know, describing your life and all of a sudden there's this giant interruption where all those things you were doing go away. But you kind of referred to it there, that St. Jude, you know, once you kind of got in the swing of things, you realized it was a special place.

Addie

Once I realized that, you know, this isn't just some scary, dark cave of a place where the worst people go to just wither. It's not like that at all. This place is bursting with energy and hope. And they are the most encouraging people that I've ever met. I mean, it's a hype squad. Constantly.

Joel

It really is, that's a good description. And talking about that, for your treatment for AML, what was that like? How long did you have to stay when you initially got here? How long did that treatment plan last?

Addie

So, AML is acute myeloid leukemia. So, everyone's plan is different. But I was at St. Jude for six months and did four rounds of chemotherapy. I didn't have any radiation, but I was here for six months, and I didn't get to leave once because of, you know, the risk for infection. I was bubble girl , which was totally weird.

I mean, I had no idea that night that I came to St. Jude for the first time that that would be the last time for six months that I would see all my friends or see my family and my brothers and my golden retriever at home. When it finally sank in, that's what was really sinking in, was, oh my gosh, everything is on pause.

I mean, they're all still going to keep living without me, but I've got to focus on my health and I've got to get better. And this is all I can focus on right now. Nothing else will matter.

Joel

Absolutely. And after that six months was up and you could be a little bit more out of isolation, did you still have more treatment that you had to go through or was it just really six months of intensive?

Addie

So, I actually technically went into remission after the very first round, which was honestly a miracle. That very first week, a St. Jude moment, we like to call it that. And I did three more rounds and stayed in remission 100% cancer free the entire time. And then I got home on July 28th of 2016, and I actually started my sophomore year of high school three days later on August 1st. Our school is so crazy. They do year-round school.

Joel

Good welcome back, going back to school.

Addie

Love it. Oh, yeah. Rolling up in there. Bald, skinny. And I'm like, I can barely carry my backpack. And I'm like, Let's go, I'm back, I'm back. And I get to see everybody, and I get to feel like myself again.

Joel

And so, you were freshman in high school when this happened, so were you able with St. Jude, did you keep up with your schoolwork while you were at St. Jude?

Addie

Yeah, I actually finished out my freshman year at St. Jude, had a teacher, her name's Mandy   and she became like my best friend. She's amazing. I would go in some days I wouldn't be feeling very good, and she'd be like, Well, you know, you have an assignment due this week. We can work on it, Addie. And I'd be like, I'm not really feeling it. It was pretty laid back. But I was really thankful to finish on time.

Joel

For people who don't know, describe that school program here at St. Jude. I mean, you're getting those same assignments you would be getting back at home, right?

Addie

Yeah. Actually, our school, they provide us with laptops. So that was a really cool resource for me to have. I could just email all of my teachers back home and communicate with them using the laptop and do all my assignments from here. But, you know, it was weird. I'm like, I don't want to do school in the middle of treatment and it's, you know, but I can understand, the kids that are there, they don't want to be doing treatment either. They definitely don’t want to be doing school either. They just want to be outside playing and having a good time. So, I'm like, All right, I can get my assignment done. If they can get the treatment, I can get my one assignment done.

Joel

So, the whole time you're here, you're able to keep up with your peers like you talked about. You got back home. Would you say three days later you're back in school? What was that like for you stepping back into school, being back with friends and family for that first time?

Addie

It was amazing. I mean, there were weird parts for sure. I mean, going back to high school as a 15-year-old girl with no hair. I didn't really have a lot of self-confidence, of course. And that's something that I think a lot of, you know, teenage girls – I never expected to be a bald teenage girl, but all those things just kind of faded away when I was there because I remember rolling back into town for the first time. Neighborhood friends and family and people in the community, they had made orange bows and they put them on every mailbox in town.

People had painted their doors orange. They had painted an entire underpass bridge orange with my mural on it. It was insane. And orange is the color for leukemia awareness. So, I mean, I was just in complete shambles, in tears driving back into town because I felt so loved and supported. That's exactly how I felt going back to school, too all my friends didn't miss a beat. They're like, let's get your backpack. Like, you got to come over tonight. You got to come do this. They're like, are you too tired to go out and eat with us? I'm like, No, I'm going. So, it was a weird transition back into normalcy, but I felt really loved.

Joel

That's awesome. That's so great that you had that support too out outside of St. Jude as well. So, as you got toward college, what did you think you wanted to do, and what kinds of influences were in your life about thinking about where you wanted to go to school and why you wanted to do what you wanted to do?

Addie

Yeah, so I'm a realist, but I've always loved music and this was kind of the time in my life, you know, I was turning 18 and I was like, I want to do this. I really, really want to do this. I want to write songs every single day, and I want everybody to hear them, and I want to know what they think about them.

But I had an opportunity to actually meet someone in the industry that has had a really huge influence on me. His name's Brad Paisley. He's a legend. He's amazing. He's actually a really huge supporter for St. Jude. And at the time I was starting my first year at Ole Miss, I was like, okay, I'll go to Ole Miss and, you know, get my college experience and I'll keep writing songs in the meantime and I'll get my degree in something that I think is realistic.

So marketing is actually what I ended up doing, and I'm about to graduate, hopefully. I'm so close. I'm in my very last semester, but I actually had the opportunity to meet Brad Paisley that first year of college, the night before Greek Day, actually, which is our first day of recruitment for Greek life at Ole Miss. I got back at 4 a.m. that night and walked in and I saw my roommate and I was like, I just met the Jonas Brothers. And she's like, That's great, but we have to be up at 8 a.m.

Joel

Well, that leads me perfectly to the next question. With all the songwriting and singing that you like to do, how do you balance classes with those opportunities that you've been given? How is that fun-life balance that you're going on with there?

Addie

Yeah, I don't balance them well. So, I was able to have an opportunity to be featured on Brad's song “Alive Right Now,” which was debuted on an ABC network special. He titled it “The Brad Paisley Thinks He's Special.” And that actually completely changed my life. For the entire time I've been in college, people know me as, you know, the girl with the song with Brad Paisley, and sings and performs.

And so that was that was kind of cool. You know, that transition from being in high school and being in such small town, everyone kind of knew me as, you know, the girl that had been at St. Jude and the girl that had survived. And, you know, that was such a huge part of me. And then when I got to college, it was like the music became a huge part of me too, and my identity. And now I feel like I'm at a place where I've healed a lot and I'm able to merge the two.

Joel

Does that influence the writing of your songs, thinking about everything that you've been through and your experience here at St. Jude?

Addie

Oh, for sure. I mean, I've got a lot of really, really depressing songs that will never see the light of day. They were just for me, and they were for me to heal and for me to process. And songwriting has totally been a form of therapy for me. And not only is it, you know, cathartic writing, but it's also just fun and energizing. Like, to write rowdy songs that, you know, my friends love to listen to when we're all out together. Or, I have my girlfriends come over all the time with their boy problems and then I just turn it all into a song that they can listen to in the car over and over again to get over the guy.

Joel

That's awesome. That’s a great friend, that's a friend with a great skill to have.

Addie

Oh, you’d be surprised how many times I've done that.

Joel

That's like the perfect gift.

Addie

It's cool. Not only is it a like an outlet of therapy for me, but it can be for people in my life, too. And I'm hoping I can turn it into that for a lot of people.

Joel

Thinking outside the songwriting to the performing aspect, obviously performing in front of people when you were three, what's it like? That's something I've never been brave – nor would ever be brave enough to consider doing. What's it like singing in front of people, and does it change if it's a large group or a small group? How does that feel?

Addie

Oh, it feels good every time. I get nervous, some. It depends on the group, I'd say. For a smaller group of, you know, friends or family or even just one person, I'm totally going to be so nervous. But for like a large group of thousands of people, I'm just, laahhh, I mean, I'll sing all day long and have no nerves at all.

One of my favorites I've actually done was the Liberty Bowl here in Memphis. I've gotten to sing the anthem for them, the national anthem, a couple – or how many years now? It's been a while, but I'm so thankful that they keep having me back. It's the best feeling ever to, like, walk out on the 50-yard line, just me and the microphone, 65,000 people dead silent in the stadium.

And then I just start singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” a cappella. You hear it like four or five times because you hear it in your ear and then you hear it, you know, going around the stadium. And it literally gives me chills every time I do it. It's so much fun. It's like an adrenaline rush.

Joel

That's awesome. And thinking back on, you know, your treatment time, obviously a freshman in high school when that started. Senior in college now. Does that feel like a lifetime ago to you, or does it feel like it's still very much part of your everyday existence?

Addie

It kind of feels like both. I mean, in a way, it feels like it was just yesterday. I think about it every day. I think about St. Jude every day, and I think about the kids that are still here every other minute. I mean, everything I do is – even words people say, it just will it like triggers it almost, but not in a bad way.

It triggers, like the gratitude that I feel. And I'm really thankful to be part of this still. And I don't think that St. Jude ever really leaves you.

Joel

Oh, no. I fully agree. And we're grateful you're still part of this. And what's it like? You know, whether it's a day like today or coming back for checkups maybe in St. Jude Life, What's it like for you to come back onto the St. Jude campus?

Addie

It's weird. It's a weird feeling. I feel really thankful when I come back, and I just cry the whole time. I’ve been crying all day today.

Joel

I understand completely.

Addie

But it's mostly the people here. I know they saved my life. I know that they're saving other kids’ lives and they're doing such pure and amazing work for society. And I just honestly, there's not a better feeling to me than coming back and just feeling grateful.

Joel

And thinking about maybe kids, too, who are going through treatment right now. What would you want to say to them as words of encouragement?

Addie

You know, the one thing that pushed me through when the days got hard, like the hard days that you don't talk about, that you don't even want to tell your mom you're having because you're like, God, this sucks. I feel awful today. And you don't want to complain about it. Because you have so much support. But the one thing that really pushed me through was just chasing those dreams and thinking about what all you can do after. Thinking about where you can go, who you can meet, what you can do, the story that you'll have to tell, and just staying focused on what's next, what's to come.

Let's keep moving forward and whether that's a tiny step, you know, I mean, sometimes as far as you can look, is the next hour. I mean, you know, sometimes far as you can look is the next week, the next day. Especially at St. Jude. And I guess that's what I would say to encourage them is, just keep thinking about what's next.

Joel

Beautifully said. And speaking of that, what is next for you? I know graduation’s coming up, other things. What are the big plans for Addie as she moves forward?

Addie

Yeah, my grandma said she has to see me walk at graduation. So that's one reason I'm like, I've got to get through the school stuff. I can do it.

Joel

You’re almost there.

Addie

I'm a smart person, but I'm not a studious person. I'm not great at being disciplined to study. But I'm excited to release some more music and for everybody to hear all these songs I've been writing in the dark, alone. I mean, what's the joy of writing a song if no one's ever going to hear it?

Joel

That is a perfect way to end. Addie, we are so thankful for you. We're so thankful for your voice, and we're so thankful for sharing the message of St. Jude out there and really putting words and thoughts and feeling, whether it's the tough, the beauty, the sad. Thank you for being that voice for us. So, thanks for coming in today.

Addie

Well, thank you for having me.

Joel

Everyone has dreams for their future, for what they hope their lives become. And Addie knows when it seems like your future might be cut short that those dreams become even more important.

And St. Jude started off as a dream, to create a place that would cure the sickest children, a place that would care for you without charging you a cent, no matter your skin color, no matter where you live, no matter what you believe. That dream became a reality more than six decades ago, and it’s still going strong because of the support of people like you. Give what you can online at stjude.org or click the link in the episode description.

This podcast is a production of ALSAC, the fundraising and awareness organization for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. It’s recorded by Jason Latshaw and Andres Garcia. Produced by Geoffrey Redick. Edited by Grace Korzekwa Evans. Music production by Kazimir Boyle. Louis Graham is the Executive Producer.

I’m Joel Alsup, thanks for listening and join us next time.

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